Supporting People with Developmental Disabilities in Dating and Relationships

At Bello Machre, we support individuals with developmental disabilities in their unique relationship journeys, from friendships fostered during community services activities and in residential settings, to long-term, committed relationships and marriages.  

With the right guidance, open communication, and patience, individuals with special needs can enjoy fulfilling relationships – be they platonic or romantic. In this article, we offer insights into what we’ve learned about supporting people with developmental disabilities as they pursue this important part of life.

Start with safety

Helping individuals with developmental disabilities prioritize safety is a foundational aspect of dating. This often requires repeated – and specific – conversations about safe and appropriate interactions. Key topics to address include:

• Age-appropriate relationships. Have clear conversations about age differences and the importance of engaging in romantic relationships only with other adults, emphasizing that relationships must always be age appropriate and with individuals who are 18 or older.
• Boundaries. Teach appropriate physical contact and consent – ideally, this starts at a young age and includes understanding that certain behaviors, such as unwanted touching, are never acceptable (e.g., Good Touch, Bad Touch). Similarly, it’s important to teach emotional boundaries. For example, if someone needs some time to process a feeling or situation, it is important to give them that space.
• Sharing information: Discuss when it’s appropriate to share addresses, phone numbers, and other personal information. 

Let your support system know your plans. Finally, emphasize the importance of telling trusted friends, family, and support staff members about your plans. Whether dating in the intellectual and developmental disabilities community or not, it’s important to be safe and smart when making plans. Letting a trusted friend or support person know what your plans are will allow you to stay safe while having fun. Similarly, when meeting for the first time, do so in public places, and consider having a support person join you.

Dating and relationship tips for people with special needs

Once you have established a safe foundation, it’s time to start learning about relationships. And that takes time. It’s okay to make mistakes – that’s how we learn and grow. Rather than jumping into romantic relationships, we’ve found success in teaching a gradual approach.

Relationships and dating for individuals with developmental disabilities start with understanding the other person’s likes, dislikes, hobbies, what they do for a living, maybe even family circumstances and expectations for the future. You want to understand all these aspects of another person before you enter into the, “I love you,” phase.

• Start with friendship. Begin by getting to know someone as a friend. Ask about their interests, hobbies, and what they enjoy doing. Do you both like the same music? Do you enjoy similar activities like bowling, arts and crafts, or going to the movies? 
• Take time to connect. Real relationships are built on understanding each other’s personalities. Unfortunately, television dramatizes romantic relationships, making them seem instant or perfect, but real-life connections take time to develop.
• Communicate openly with your partner and your support system. Talk about your feelings, expectations, and concerns with your partner and your support system.
• Know that you deserve love. Above all, remember that you deserve love. With proper education and support, you can enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships. 

Online dating

We’re happy to see that specialized dating apps have entered the scene and they’re designed specifically for people with special needs. Hello, It’s Me, for example, was created for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities to bring people closer together and provide an inclusive place to interact and be your authentic self.

Online dating safety

While online dating has become more popular for people with developmental disabilities, extra caution is required as it relates to internet safety. For example, don’t share your address or phone number right off the bat. When possible, video chat prior to meeting in person. And always alert a trusted support staff member, friend, or family member if you plan to meet someone in person. Finally, if something feels off (i.e., if someone asks for money), let a trusted support person know.

Bello Machre has helped people who meet each other face to face after getting to know each other online, but you’ll want to consider whether it is possible to meet in person. If they’re within driving distance, this is easier than if one person is in Maryland and the other is in California. 

A note about intimacy

Conversations about physical intimacy may need to be detailed and repeated often. Such discussions are very important and should cover topics such as: using protection and understanding sexual health; consent; respecting boundaries; and appropriate times and places for intimacy. While our staff members may offer basic or general guidance, we often connect individuals in our services with health experts who can provide more in-depth advice on staying safe and informed when navigating sexual or intimate relationships. 

While some couples may choose to be physically intimate, others may prefer relationships focused on emotional closeness and companionship – both choices are valid.

Every person deserves the opportunity to experience love and companionship. While individuals with developmental disabilities may need support, they have the same fundamental right to pursue their hopes, dreams, and desire for love and companionship as anyone else. With patience, understanding, and the appropriate support, people with special needs can build the meaningful relationships they desire. 

Bello Machre is committed to helping people live full, independent, rich lives that include all aspects of the human experience – including love and relationships. If you’re interested in learning more about supporting individuals with developmental disabilities in relationships, or if you’re looking for resources and services, please contact Bello Machre.